Snacks, dinner, and cooking

Had carrots & hummus for a snack, and some cookie balls. Forgot to take pictures of the carrots.

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Came home on the bus feeling miserable, headache-y, and in lots of pain. Had leftover pasta for dinner x2. Ate a couple zucchini chips when i took them out of the dehydrator. So good!

Had a little bit of a breakdown trying to figure out what I want to do about medication, decided to get a second opinion, especially on how to treat the Hashimoto’s. Feel a little better about that. Did some more cooking! Made this vegan feta cheese, can’t wait to bake it and try it. Made this cracker  recipe using gluten-free flour and some flax seed, came out well. Sliced up the rest of the zucchini and put it in the dehydrator. Also made these coconut bars and put them in the freezer.

Lunch

Leftover butternut squash pasta for lunch, so good. And the kale chips I made last night? Life-changing. So, so good. I used this recipe and modified it a little bit:

  • added a squirt of lemon juice
  • added more water
  • skipped the chives and dill
  • used extra dried onions instead of fresh
  • used more nutritional yeast

They are SO good. Not exactly like cool ranch doritos – a little more onion-y, but amazing. I need to get some more kale today, because I ate half the batch just now. And hey, that’s half a bunch of kale! Can’t complain there :) I could eat another pile of them right now. So good. Must keep these around always!
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I want one of these dehydrators – http://www.amazon.com/Excalibur-2900ECB-9-Tray-Economy-Dehydrator/dp/B001NZPP6U. I currently have this one – http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005RRBM8K/ref=wms_ohs_product?ie=UTF8&psc=1 which works great, but stuff gets stuck in the trays and it’s really annoying.

Miserable and torn

Personal shit is in the toilet. I feel awful. I’m torn about taking this medicine. I saw my therapist today and I’m even more torn. I bought a paper journal today to write down the things that are too personal to write here.

Wasn’t sure I’d make it out of bed this morning, but I did. Made the same smoothie as yesterday, minus chia/flax. Isn’t it so beautifully green? I love the color.

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Really, really just want to go home and curl up in bed. Endo pain is flaring up, my head hurts, I’m exhausted and miserable.

Miserable.

Got home tonight, I had taken my boyfriend’s car to work because he stayed home. I had some coconut bread for a snack and then immediately crashed out on the couch and took something because i was in tons of pain. He hadn’t answered a text, so I figured I was sleeping and I’d bring his car back later. Then he gets pissed about that.
I go back to sleep, get up, make an awesome dinner, and then he gets pissed at me for tweeting a picture of awful traffic. Seriously? I wasn’t even moving. He uses his phone in the car all the time. I have never been in an accident, gotten a ticket, etc. Ever. So I got pissed, drove his car back, tossed the keys inside the door and walked home. And now he’s more pissed. I told him I had a horrible day and needed love and support from him, not being treated like a child. Now I feel like I can’t talk to him about any of this and how scared I am, and I’m so upset and I can’t stop crying.

Dinner - Butternut squash mac & “cheese.” This is a great recipe, hadn’t made it before. Used this brown rice pasta, and it was so good, you’d never know it was rice pasta.

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I also put some kale and zucchini in the dehydrator – used this recipe. can’t wait to see how they turn out!

I also washed a bunch of the greens I got yesterday, and tossed some in the freezer.

Now I just need to relax and get some sleep.

Lunch and an unexpected cheering up

I finally decided to eat my salad, and then got interrupted by an inpromptu meeting which went well (showing my team what I’ve been working on). And then on the way back to the office, I talked with my boss, who asked me how I’ve been feeling – we’ve been getting close lately after I broke down in a performance review. His wife dealt with endo and infertility and they lost their first child last year. She’s pregnant again (and always in my thoughts) so he understands my stress over all of this, and I feel like I can talk to him about it, so I told him about my appointment today and it wound up making me feel a little better.

Feeling a little drowsy but I’ve gotten the pain manageable, for now. Have to drive home, so I have to be careful. Tonight I want to spend some time in the kitchen, take care of my rat, and relax on the couch. Maybe do my nails or something else for *me.*

Lunch was a salad of really wonderful fresh romaine, tofu (yes, I know, soy is not on the list, but for some reason I spaced out when I bought it – and it’s really wonderful fresh tofu), and vegetarian caesar dressing. (When I’m out of that I’ll have to make a good vegan one).  Having some cookie dough oat balls and chocolate coconut date balls for dessert – who needs cookies??

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Scared.

I had a follow-up with my doctor today. I’ve been really anxious about it. I didn’t want to go on medicine. But I talked to him, and he was really set on it. He wants to try Synarel, the nasal spray version of Lupron, which he said is very well tolerated, and it’s better than the shot because you can stop it anytime. The medication should stop my period, my pain, and endo growth. But I’m still really scared of side effects, and if I don’t like it, I’m going to stop. I’m so anxious. I also found out I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, which is a really common thing in women with endometriosis. Eventually I’ll either wind up with hypo- or hyper-thyroidism, neither of which are good. And all of which can affect my health and fertility. I’m scared  to death. And in pain. And anxious. I should have just gone home but I’m here at work. I should eat lunch but I feel sick. I want to curl up into a ball under my desk and just go away.

I did have a good breakfast, though. Smoothie:

  • spinach
  • parsley
  • kale
  • banana
  • pineapple
  • mango
  • chia seeds
  • flax
  • coconut milk

2013-04-02 09.08.50 So good! I’m only going to be more dedicated to managing my nutrition, health, and weight now. I’m going to make sure that I get regular bloodwork all the time and that it’s always getting better.

Let’s call it “spring cleaning”

That sounds better than “stuffing my face,” right? I was “cleaning out the kitchen.” Ugh. I don’t know why I consciously let myself binge like that. I was hungry, I had a headache, i drank, so many excuses, none of them valid.

I started to get a little hungry around lunchtime today. I had some carrots & hummus, fruit leather, a picnic box for lunch, and some date/oat balls for a snack.

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Went to my mom’s to play family IT support. Fixed her computer. Obligatory adorable cat photos (PS – they are fosters and need homes!)

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had some diet iced tea on my two bus + a trolley very long ride home. Got home. Headache. Endo pain. Had a vicodin.  Had some microwave roasted potatoes. A glass of wine. Some low fat cheddar from the freezer, melted. Two hot pockets. Some crackers, almond butter, and jelly. The meat, cheese, and crackers from 2 picnic boxes & one packet of cinnamon almonds. Another glass of wine. A beer. Self-loathing. Disgust. to my credit, I have never fully documented a binge. So here it is. After a whole day of feeling good about myself, feeling happy and pretty and healthy. On the bright side, this is probably still less volume/calories than if I’d ordered out/gone to a restaurant or Wawa. But it doesn’t make it okay.

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Halfway through my beer, the phone rang – grocery delivery. That snapped me out of it. My fridge is overflowing with fresh produce, and so is my freezer. I have NO EXCUSES not to eat in a way that will nourish my body and keep me healthy. I do have to go wash a lot of greens… but I will NOT let any of it go to waste. Back on the wagon. Starting now. No excuses. No reasoning my way out of it. I’m embarassed, I feel awful, and I want to stop doing this. I don’t want to overeat. I don’t want to be unhealthy, or overweight, or fat. I want to be happy and healthy.

In other news, I brought my rat into my bedroom, set him down on a chair, and he bolted into my closet… I decided not to chase him and to just shut the bedroom door and let my cat keep watch. She won’t hurt him, and he isn’t spooked by her, so I hope that he will come out/she will notify me. I really don’t want to chase him and upset him (or get bitten).