Miserable and torn

Personal shit is in the toilet. I feel awful. I’m torn about taking this medicine. I saw my therapist today and I’m even more torn. I bought a paper journal today to write down the things that are too personal to write here.

Wasn’t sure I’d make it out of bed this morning, but I did. Made the same smoothie as yesterday, minus chia/flax. Isn’t it so beautifully green? I love the color.

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Really, really just want to go home and curl up in bed. Endo pain is flaring up, my head hurts, I’m exhausted and miserable.

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Scared.

I had a follow-up with my doctor today. I’ve been really anxious about it. I didn’t want to go on medicine. But I talked to him, and he was really set on it. He wants to try Synarel, the nasal spray version of Lupron, which he said is very well tolerated, and it’s better than the shot because you can stop it anytime. The medication should stop my period, my pain, and endo growth. But I’m still really scared of side effects, and if I don’t like it, I’m going to stop. I’m so anxious. I also found out I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, which is a really common thing in women with endometriosis. Eventually I’ll either wind up with hypo- or hyper-thyroidism, neither of which are good. And all of which can affect my health and fertility. I’m scared  to death. And in pain. And anxious. I should have just gone home but I’m here at work. I should eat lunch but I feel sick. I want to curl up into a ball under my desk and just go away.

I did have a good breakfast, though. Smoothie:

  • spinach
  • parsley
  • kale
  • banana
  • pineapple
  • mango
  • chia seeds
  • flax
  • coconut milk

2013-04-02 09.08.50 So good! I’m only going to be more dedicated to managing my nutrition, health, and weight now. I’m going to make sure that I get regular bloodwork all the time and that it’s always getting better.

Happy Easter

I’m not much of an Easter person, really. Once you outgrow the candy it just doesn’t seem to matter as much (even though I’m Catholic – haven’t been to church in a while).

Last night I was super tired and didn’t really have dinner – just some brown rice cereal with almond milk. Woke up today and had a smoothie with:

  • spinach
  • mint leaves
  • almond milk
  • greek yogurt
  • peppermint extract
  • chia seeds
  • oatmeal
  • spirutein protein powder (just a little)
  • stevia

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Was trying for a Shamrock shake sort of taste but it was a little bitter. Then I was out most of the day with my boyfriend, had a handful of Cornflakes for a snack. Had dinner just now – Quorn “chicken” cutlets and roasted potatoes. I remember Quorn from my vegetarian days as being A) expensive B) vegan and C) tasty. It’s neither B nor C – they have egg white (and gluten, which I am still learning to look for when I don’t expect it) and they were dry. I could not get any moisture into them no matter what i did. The directions for microwaving said to put them in sauce and cover them. I did. I eventually totally covered them in water and they were still horribly dry. What a waste of money/time/energy. I still have lots of frozen food that’s not vegan/GF that I want to eat up/get rid of. I did a small fridge purge of condiments and stuff, but I don’t want to throw out all the stuff in the freezer, so I had some broccoli & rice in cheese sauce. Had a glass of wine, poured a second but didn’t want it. (weird, i know!) I’m currently dehydrating some fruit leather, caramelizing onions in the slow cooker, and baking vegan carrot cake bread (this recipe plus this recipe, although I altered it and halved it).

Trying to think if there’s anything else I need to make for the week besides granola bars. I went grocery shopping today and also ordered some groceries online because I had a promo code. Trying to really buy as healthy as I can – gluten-free, vegan, organic, no chemicals, etc. Found face wash and acne medication (my face is  mess of hormones since going off BC -hasn’t been this bad in over 10 years, and it was never really “bad” when I was a teenager, just pretty normal acne) with no sodium lauryth sulfate, etc – the Neutrogena Naturals line. Not expensive, either. Also got some aluminum-free Tom’s of Maine deodorant – hope it works! I thought lavender would be a good smell – I hope it smells milder on me than it does in the tube or I’m going to smell like a yoga studio. At that point, I might as well get some patchouli oil. Anyway, right now I am trying to only bring things into my apartment that are healthful, and nothing harmful – I’m not going to go crazy throwing everything out, but hope to slowly replace all the food, beauty products, cleaning products (mostly naturalish anyway), etc.

Between the store today and the groceries that’ll get delivered tomorrow, I got some butternut squash to make this recipe, and some spaghetti squash that I didn’t realize was outrageously    expensive until after I checked out ($7!!! Screw you, Acme!). It was also holding up a shelf of eggplant which fell down when I took the squash… Oy. Lots of greens, beans, some GF pasta, more Kombucha, mangoes, pineapple, yams, avocados, oatmeal, and almond milk. Should be set for the week!

I realized I’ve never posted my Pinterest here – http://pinterest.com/alannaburke/ I try to follow a lot of GF/vegan/Endo pinners, and it’s such a great resource. If you’re not on Pinterest, check it out, and if you are, follow me!

Good Friday

Yay for having off for Good Friday!

Last night I tried some Kombucha for the first time. My first thought was that it tasted like a sweaty yoga studio, but it wasn’t bad. I also had a couple chocolate date balls before I went to bed.

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Woke up pretty early this morning – did some dishes, laundry, and made a big green smoothie with 3 oranges, banana, almond milk, greek yogurt, spinach and… I think that was it.

Packed some granola bars and walked a mile over to my boyfriend’s house, then walked with him to pick up his car from the shop. Yay exercise, boo for being totally exhausted afterwards. Glad I packed those bars, because I inhaled them. I also wore my heart rate monitor for a while just for fun – burned 686 calories in just about 2 hours. I’d love to wear it for 24 hours sometime, just to see.

Got super hungry waiting for his mom to get ready to go to the store (she’s older and has had a couple strokes) and had a headache by the time I grabbed some salad bar at the grocery store – lettuce, greens, carrots, chickpeas, garlic balsamic. My options were sorta limited, and it probably wasn’t enough food because I wound up with a headache. came home later and made chips out of corn tortillas (sprayed some oil and sprinkled with salt) and guacamole from an avocado. Nibbled on a couple chocolate date balls while reading Drop Dead Healthy, which is really good, informative, and funny. Lots of good anecdotes – about a writer’s 2 year quest to be the healthiest man alive. Then I fell asleep for a while (thanks, painkillers. argh). Woke up late and made some gluten-free brown rice pasta with nutritional yeast, almond milk, coconut oil, garlic, mustard powder, salt & pepper. Delicious! I love nutritional yeast so much. Had a couple cacoa nibs for dessert, but they were too rich so I had a granola bar instead. I have to make more of these!

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Heading to a comic shop tomorrow for Tabletop Day! My boyfriend is super excited, it should be fun.

Falling off and getting right back on

Yesterday was lousy, in terms of pain and eating – again. But I was super back on track today and I feel much better. Still in pain, but I feel better about myself and that’s important. But days that don’t start with green smoothies don’t end well! That’s 2 days in a row – and 2 crappy days in a row. Yesterday I thought I’d get away with homemade granola bars and tea for breakfast. Had some fruit leather for an early snack. Lunch was a salad with black beans and avocado. But then I was starving. I got some sweet potato chips (the Food Should Taste Good brand) and brought them with me to the all-day meeting/training I was in. But I was still hungry. Had a half a bagel from earlier in the day. But I was starving after work. Made a pretty good decision, general-health wise (notsomuch endo diet wise) and had a chicken flatbread sandwich and a baked potato from Wendy’s for dinner, with light lemonade.

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But then after dinner I had a beer, and another, and some chips and hummus, and picnic box, and another, and another beer… and I just kept feeling worse about it.

 

Today was better.

This morning’s green smoothie was almond milk, spinach, banana, peanut butter, oats, and chia seeds. The oats really give it extra staying power and thicken it up.

Packed carrots for a snack in the morning. Was about to eat the frozen dinner I packed and then realized I had to go to my psychiatrist and then my therapist. Ran out of work, starving, and grabbed some trail mix from the vending machine at the doctor’s office – it was the best choice I had. Wasn’t sure if I’d have time in between appointments to eat lunch, but I did. I went to Qdoba and got a naked burrito bowl with just a little brown rice, black & pinto beans, fajita veggies, corn salsa, pico de gallo, lettuce, and guacamole. I wanted chips and a drink and they gave me a combo with a tiny container of queso. I thought about throwing it out, but I decided it wouldn’t derail my day, so i ate it, and it was delicious – as was my veggie burrito bowl.

Stopped at the natural foods store that I never get to – I could (and have) spend hundreds of dollars in there on hardly anything, but I managed to get a few things and spend under $30. Got some nutritional yeast (so cheap there), gluten-free flour mix, xanthan gum, a bottle of Kombucha (never tried it, I’m excited), tofu, and cacoa nibs.

Came home after work and wanted to try out the flour mix, so I made pancakes for dinner with that flour, almond flour, oats, chia, and flax, and ate them with coconut butter, coconut flakes, and maple syrup. Much better, and cake-ier!

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So, I had a good day. I also got more exercise than usual – tried to park the car far away from where i was going, etc. I have off for Good Friday tomorrow, so I’m hoping to get to the gym, even if it’s just to walk on the treadmill.

 

Snowy Day (but so far not a snow day)

Really hoping that any minute now I’ll get an email or text telling me not to come in… it’s really coming down out there and only getting worse. But I am all ready for work and had a really good smoothie this morning! In the mix:

  • Almond milk
  • spinach
  • kale (not too much today!)
  • bananas
  • raw ginger
  • peanut butter
  • cinnamon

Creamy and sweet and just a little spicy.

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Packed a big lunch of healthy foods, you know, in case we get snowed in!

Not feeling sick today (fingers crossed!) but in a good amount of pain. Both pre-surgery endo pain and incision pain… my belly button incision is black and blue, and I don’t know why, but that hurts and so do a couple other incision sites. Not good a month out, so I think I’ll call the doctor.

Cold, cold go away!

Definitely not hayfever. Slept most of the day on the couch yesterday, woke up and had some lean cuisine and then went back to bed. Woke up today still feeling awful and still in lots of pain. Feels like I got hit in a couple of my incision sites, I don’t know why I’m so sore. Bummer of a weekend. Went to the produce store to get oranges, kale, spinach, mint, cucumbers, strawberries, and kiwi. Making strawberry kiwi fruit leather in the dehydrator. Made a smoothie with 3 oranges, banana, spinach, kale, almond milk, and vanilla. I was going for a green orange Julius but it wound up being pretty bitter so I added some stevia.

Also, I learned that “juice oranges” means “cheap, ugly, sweet oranges that will turn your fingers to bloody stumps if you try to peel them.”

I don’t know how i can be sick when I’m eating so many fruits and vegetables. It hardly seems fair.

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