Miserable and torn

Personal shit is in the toilet. I feel awful. I’m torn about taking this medicine. I saw my therapist today and I’m even more torn. I bought a paper journal today to write down the things that are too personal to write here.

Wasn’t sure I’d make it out of bed this morning, but I did. Made the same smoothie as yesterday, minus chia/flax. Isn’t it so beautifully green? I love the color.

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Really, really just want to go home and curl up in bed. Endo pain is flaring up, my head hurts, I’m exhausted and miserable.

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Let’s call it “spring cleaning”

That sounds better than “stuffing my face,” right? I was “cleaning out the kitchen.” Ugh. I don’t know why I consciously let myself binge like that. I was hungry, I had a headache, i drank, so many excuses, none of them valid.

I started to get a little hungry around lunchtime today. I had some carrots & hummus, fruit leather, a picnic box for lunch, and some date/oat balls for a snack.

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Went to my mom’s to play family IT support. Fixed her computer. Obligatory adorable cat photos (PS – they are fosters and need homes!)

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had some diet iced tea on my two bus + a trolley very long ride home. Got home. Headache. Endo pain. Had a vicodin.  Had some microwave roasted potatoes. A glass of wine. Some low fat cheddar from the freezer, melted. Two hot pockets. Some crackers, almond butter, and jelly. The meat, cheese, and crackers from 2 picnic boxes & one packet of cinnamon almonds. Another glass of wine. A beer. Self-loathing. Disgust. to my credit, I have never fully documented a binge. So here it is. After a whole day of feeling good about myself, feeling happy and pretty and healthy. On the bright side, this is probably still less volume/calories than if I’d ordered out/gone to a restaurant or Wawa. But it doesn’t make it okay.

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Halfway through my beer, the phone rang – grocery delivery. That snapped me out of it. My fridge is overflowing with fresh produce, and so is my freezer. I have NO EXCUSES not to eat in a way that will nourish my body and keep me healthy. I do have to go wash a lot of greens… but I will NOT let any of it go to waste. Back on the wagon. Starting now. No excuses. No reasoning my way out of it. I’m embarassed, I feel awful, and I want to stop doing this. I don’t want to overeat. I don’t want to be unhealthy, or overweight, or fat. I want to be happy and healthy.

In other news, I brought my rat into my bedroom, set him down on a chair, and he bolted into my closet… I decided not to chase him and to just shut the bedroom door and let my cat keep watch. She won’t hurt him, and he isn’t spooked by her, so I hope that he will come out/she will notify me. I really don’t want to chase him and upset him (or get bitten).

 

 

Feeling lousy and eating too much (?)

Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent so long fighting my body that I can’t always tell him I’m really hungry or not. I know I didn’t bring enough food to work today, but then I had a horrible headache when I got home. Eating seemed to make it better… but then it came right back. And I still feel awful and achy and sick and have abdominal pain.

I had a granola bar for a snack at work, and an unpictured jolly rancher. When I got home I had brown rice cereal with almond milk, a hot pocket, a picnic box, a couple crackers, some wine, and a lean cuisine. god, that sounds awful. Now I feel worse. And to top it off, I was reading The China Study the whole time. I can’t get over the research in this book. Plant-based diets have such a startling amount of research backing them, it’s amazing that animal protein hasn’t been classified as poison. I’m also watching Weight of the Nation (an HBO series) that I downloaded. Pretty interesting stuff, too. Hoping that watching this and getting some rest helps me start over tomorrow. But I did have a ton of produce this week!

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