Miserable and torn

Personal shit is in the toilet. I feel awful. I’m torn about taking this medicine. I saw my therapist today and I’m even more torn. I bought a paper journal today to write down the things that are too personal to write here.

Wasn’t sure I’d make it out of bed this morning, but I did. Made the same smoothie as yesterday, minus chia/flax. Isn’t it so beautifully green? I love the color.

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Really, really just want to go home and curl up in bed. Endo pain is flaring up, my head hurts, I’m exhausted and miserable.


Let’s call it “spring cleaning”

That sounds better than “stuffing my face,” right? I was “cleaning out the kitchen.” Ugh. I don’t know why I consciously let myself binge like that. I was hungry, I had a headache, i drank, so many excuses, none of them valid.

I started to get a little hungry around lunchtime today. I had some carrots & hummus, fruit leather, a picnic box for lunch, and some date/oat balls for a snack.

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Went to my mom’s to play family IT support. Fixed her computer. Obligatory adorable cat photos (PS – they are fosters and need homes!)

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had some diet iced tea on my two bus + a trolley very long ride home. Got home. Headache. Endo pain. Had a vicodin.  Had some microwave roasted potatoes. A glass of wine. Some low fat cheddar from the freezer, melted. Two hot pockets. Some crackers, almond butter, and jelly. The meat, cheese, and crackers from 2 picnic boxes & one packet of cinnamon almonds. Another glass of wine. A beer. Self-loathing. Disgust. to my credit, I have never fully documented a binge. So here it is. After a whole day of feeling good about myself, feeling happy and pretty and healthy. On the bright side, this is probably still less volume/calories than if I’d ordered out/gone to a restaurant or Wawa. But it doesn’t make it okay.

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Halfway through my beer, the phone rang – grocery delivery. That snapped me out of it. My fridge is overflowing with fresh produce, and so is my freezer. I have NO EXCUSES not to eat in a way that will nourish my body and keep me healthy. I do have to go wash a lot of greens… but I will NOT let any of it go to waste. Back on the wagon. Starting now. No excuses. No reasoning my way out of it. I’m embarassed, I feel awful, and I want to stop doing this. I don’t want to overeat. I don’t want to be unhealthy, or overweight, or fat. I want to be happy and healthy.

In other news, I brought my rat into my bedroom, set him down on a chair, and he bolted into my closet… I decided not to chase him and to just shut the bedroom door and let my cat keep watch. She won’t hurt him, and he isn’t spooked by her, so I hope that he will come out/she will notify me. I really don’t want to chase him and upset him (or get bitten).



Feeling lousy and eating too much (?)

Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent so long fighting my body that I can’t always tell him I’m really hungry or not. I know I didn’t bring enough food to work today, but then I had a horrible headache when I got home. Eating seemed to make it better… but then it came right back. And I still feel awful and achy and sick and have abdominal pain.

I had a granola bar for a snack at work, and an unpictured jolly rancher. When I got home I had brown rice cereal with almond milk, a hot pocket, a picnic box, a couple crackers, some wine, and a lean cuisine. god, that sounds awful. Now I feel worse. And to top it off, I was reading The China Study the whole time. I can’t get over the research in this book. Plant-based diets have such a startling amount of research backing them, it’s amazing that animal protein hasn’t been classified as poison. I’m also watching Weight of the Nation (an HBO series) that I downloaded. Pretty interesting stuff, too. Hoping that watching this and getting some rest helps me start over tomorrow. But I did have a ton of produce this week!

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