Snacks, dinner, and cooking

Had carrots & hummus for a snack, and some cookie balls. Forgot to take pictures of the carrots.

2013-04-03 14.13.18 2013-04-03 17.16.22

Came home on the bus feeling miserable, headache-y, and in lots of pain. Had leftover pasta for dinner x2. Ate a couple zucchini chips when i took them out of the dehydrator. So good!

Had a little bit of a breakdown trying to figure out what I want to do about medication, decided to get a second opinion, especially on how to treat the Hashimoto’s. Feel a little better about that. Did some more cooking! Made this vegan feta cheese, can’t wait to bake it and try it. Made this cracker  recipe using gluten-free flour and some flax seed, came out well. Sliced up the rest of the zucchini and put it in the dehydrator. Also made these coconut bars and put them in the freezer.

Advertisements

Miserable and torn

Personal shit is in the toilet. I feel awful. I’m torn about taking this medicine. I saw my therapist today and I’m even more torn. I bought a paper journal today to write down the things that are too personal to write here.

Wasn’t sure I’d make it out of bed this morning, but I did. Made the same smoothie as yesterday, minus chia/flax. Isn’t it so beautifully green? I love the color.

2013-04-03 07.58.11

Really, really just want to go home and curl up in bed. Endo pain is flaring up, my head hurts, I’m exhausted and miserable.

Scared.

I had a follow-up with my doctor today. I’ve been really anxious about it. I didn’t want to go on medicine. But I talked to him, and he was really set on it. He wants to try Synarel, the nasal spray version of Lupron, which he said is very well tolerated, and it’s better than the shot because you can stop it anytime. The medication should stop my period, my pain, and endo growth. But I’m still really scared of side effects, and if I don’t like it, I’m going to stop. I’m so anxious. I also found out I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, which is a really common thing in women with endometriosis. Eventually I’ll either wind up with hypo- or hyper-thyroidism, neither of which are good. And all of which can affect my health and fertility. I’m scared  to death. And in pain. And anxious. I should have just gone home but I’m here at work. I should eat lunch but I feel sick. I want to curl up into a ball under my desk and just go away.

I did have a good breakfast, though. Smoothie:

  • spinach
  • parsley
  • kale
  • banana
  • pineapple
  • mango
  • chia seeds
  • flax
  • coconut milk

2013-04-02 09.08.50 So good! I’m only going to be more dedicated to managing my nutrition, health, and weight now. I’m going to make sure that I get regular bloodwork all the time and that it’s always getting better.

Let’s call it “spring cleaning”

That sounds better than “stuffing my face,” right? I was “cleaning out the kitchen.” Ugh. I don’t know why I consciously let myself binge like that. I was hungry, I had a headache, i drank, so many excuses, none of them valid.

I started to get a little hungry around lunchtime today. I had some carrots & hummus, fruit leather, a picnic box for lunch, and some date/oat balls for a snack.

2013-04-01 10.06.12 2013-04-01 11.16.22 2013-04-01 11.26.49 2013-04-01 12.04.18 2013-04-01 12.25.16

Went to my mom’s to play family IT support. Fixed her computer. Obligatory adorable cat photos (PS – they are fosters and need homes!)

2013-04-01 17.20.25 2013-04-01 16.44.39

had some diet iced tea on my two bus + a trolley very long ride home. Got home. Headache. Endo pain. Had a vicodin.  Had some microwave roasted potatoes. A glass of wine. Some low fat cheddar from the freezer, melted. Two hot pockets. Some crackers, almond butter, and jelly. The meat, cheese, and crackers from 2 picnic boxes & one packet of cinnamon almonds. Another glass of wine. A beer. Self-loathing. Disgust. to my credit, I have never fully documented a binge. So here it is. After a whole day of feeling good about myself, feeling happy and pretty and healthy. On the bright side, this is probably still less volume/calories than if I’d ordered out/gone to a restaurant or Wawa. But it doesn’t make it okay.

2013-04-01 17.56.52 2013-04-01 19.42.38 2013-04-01 19.53.12 2013-04-01 19.57.39 2013-04-01 20.19.10 2013-04-01 20.42.52 2013-04-01 20.52.29

 

Halfway through my beer, the phone rang – grocery delivery. That snapped me out of it. My fridge is overflowing with fresh produce, and so is my freezer. I have NO EXCUSES not to eat in a way that will nourish my body and keep me healthy. I do have to go wash a lot of greens… but I will NOT let any of it go to waste. Back on the wagon. Starting now. No excuses. No reasoning my way out of it. I’m embarassed, I feel awful, and I want to stop doing this. I don’t want to overeat. I don’t want to be unhealthy, or overweight, or fat. I want to be happy and healthy.

In other news, I brought my rat into my bedroom, set him down on a chair, and he bolted into my closet… I decided not to chase him and to just shut the bedroom door and let my cat keep watch. She won’t hurt him, and he isn’t spooked by her, so I hope that he will come out/she will notify me. I really don’t want to chase him and upset him (or get bitten).

 

 

Falling off and getting right back on

Yesterday was lousy, in terms of pain and eating – again. But I was super back on track today and I feel much better. Still in pain, but I feel better about myself and that’s important. But days that don’t start with green smoothies don’t end well! That’s 2 days in a row – and 2 crappy days in a row. Yesterday I thought I’d get away with homemade granola bars and tea for breakfast. Had some fruit leather for an early snack. Lunch was a salad with black beans and avocado. But then I was starving. I got some sweet potato chips (the Food Should Taste Good brand) and brought them with me to the all-day meeting/training I was in. But I was still hungry. Had a half a bagel from earlier in the day. But I was starving after work. Made a pretty good decision, general-health wise (notsomuch endo diet wise) and had a chicken flatbread sandwich and a baked potato from Wendy’s for dinner, with light lemonade.

2013-03-27 07.48.21 2013-03-27 10.43.48 2013-03-27 12.25.58

But then after dinner I had a beer, and another, and some chips and hummus, and picnic box, and another, and another beer… and I just kept feeling worse about it.

 

Today was better.

This morning’s green smoothie was almond milk, spinach, banana, peanut butter, oats, and chia seeds. The oats really give it extra staying power and thicken it up.

Packed carrots for a snack in the morning. Was about to eat the frozen dinner I packed and then realized I had to go to my psychiatrist and then my therapist. Ran out of work, starving, and grabbed some trail mix from the vending machine at the doctor’s office – it was the best choice I had. Wasn’t sure if I’d have time in between appointments to eat lunch, but I did. I went to Qdoba and got a naked burrito bowl with just a little brown rice, black & pinto beans, fajita veggies, corn salsa, pico de gallo, lettuce, and guacamole. I wanted chips and a drink and they gave me a combo with a tiny container of queso. I thought about throwing it out, but I decided it wouldn’t derail my day, so i ate it, and it was delicious – as was my veggie burrito bowl.

Stopped at the natural foods store that I never get to – I could (and have) spend hundreds of dollars in there on hardly anything, but I managed to get a few things and spend under $30. Got some nutritional yeast (so cheap there), gluten-free flour mix, xanthan gum, a bottle of Kombucha (never tried it, I’m excited), tofu, and cacoa nibs.

Came home after work and wanted to try out the flour mix, so I made pancakes for dinner with that flour, almond flour, oats, chia, and flax, and ate them with coconut butter, coconut flakes, and maple syrup. Much better, and cake-ier!

2013-03-28 08.03.00 2013-03-28 10.58.00 2013-03-28 13.05.53 2013-03-28 13.58.29 2013-03-28 18.16.29

 

So, I had a good day. I also got more exercise than usual – tried to park the car far away from where i was going, etc. I have off for Good Friday tomorrow, so I’m hoping to get to the gym, even if it’s just to walk on the treadmill.

 

Awful Day, awful eats, and feeling awful.

Ate too much, feeling crappy. Went to wawa for dinner. should not have done that. Been in pain, feeling anxious, and the Vicodin probably didn’t help my wanting to eat crap. Just miserable and want to sleep. I re-arranged my bedroom. I feel like doing more cleaning and re-arranging but I keep getting exhausted and dizzy and hurting and I hate it. I just want to feel like me again.

Backwards night

This afternoon I ate some yogurt and wasn’t hungry enough for the hummus/carrots/cucumber chips that I packed. I’d been in some pain all day, but it kept getting worse. So a little before 4, I took some Vicodin, hoping that if it made me woozy, it wouldn’t be until just before I left (and i was right). I got home around 5… and went to bed. And woke up a couple times, but didn’t actually get up until about 2. So… I just had some dinner/breakfast. And now I’m debating staying up vs going back to sleep. *sigh* at this point, I can’t ever get enough sleep, and it’s rarely quality sleep, so I may as well take what I can get.

My dinner/breakfast was gf/vegan coconut pancakes – more successful this time. More chia/flax for binding, less baking powder and almond milk. Eaten with coconut butter, sprinkle of coconut, and a little maple syrup.

2013-03-25 15.23.28 2013-03-26 02.55.32

I’m still in some pain, so I think I may take something, grab an ice pack, curl up in bed, and hope for a nap. If I don’t fall asleep (and if it’s not raining or snowing) maybe I’ll take a walk or something this morning… later this morning? What a weird day.