Scared.

I had a follow-up with my doctor today. I’ve been really anxious about it. I didn’t want to go on medicine. But I talked to him, and he was really set on it. He wants to try Synarel, the nasal spray version of Lupron, which he said is very well tolerated, and it’s better than the shot because you can stop it anytime. The medication should stop my period, my pain, and endo growth. But I’m still really scared of side effects, and if I don’t like it, I’m going to stop. I’m so anxious. I also found out I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, which is a really common thing in women with endometriosis. Eventually I’ll either wind up with hypo- or hyper-thyroidism, neither of which are good. And all of which can affect my health and fertility. I’m scared  to death. And in pain. And anxious. I should have just gone home but I’m here at work. I should eat lunch but I feel sick. I want to curl up into a ball under my desk and just go away.

I did have a good breakfast, though. Smoothie:

  • spinach
  • parsley
  • kale
  • banana
  • pineapple
  • mango
  • chia seeds
  • flax
  • coconut milk

2013-04-02 09.08.50 So good! I’m only going to be more dedicated to managing my nutrition, health, and weight now. I’m going to make sure that I get regular bloodwork all the time and that it’s always getting better.

Falling off and getting right back on

Yesterday was lousy, in terms of pain and eating – again. But I was super back on track today and I feel much better. Still in pain, but I feel better about myself and that’s important. But days that don’t start with green smoothies don’t end well! That’s 2 days in a row – and 2 crappy days in a row. Yesterday I thought I’d get away with homemade granola bars and tea for breakfast. Had some fruit leather for an early snack. Lunch was a salad with black beans and avocado. But then I was starving. I got some sweet potato chips (the Food Should Taste Good brand) and brought them with me to the all-day meeting/training I was in. But I was still hungry. Had a half a bagel from earlier in the day. But I was starving after work. Made a pretty good decision, general-health wise (notsomuch endo diet wise) and had a chicken flatbread sandwich and a baked potato from Wendy’s for dinner, with light lemonade.

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But then after dinner I had a beer, and another, and some chips and hummus, and picnic box, and another, and another beer… and I just kept feeling worse about it.

 

Today was better.

This morning’s green smoothie was almond milk, spinach, banana, peanut butter, oats, and chia seeds. The oats really give it extra staying power and thicken it up.

Packed carrots for a snack in the morning. Was about to eat the frozen dinner I packed and then realized I had to go to my psychiatrist and then my therapist. Ran out of work, starving, and grabbed some trail mix from the vending machine at the doctor’s office – it was the best choice I had. Wasn’t sure if I’d have time in between appointments to eat lunch, but I did. I went to Qdoba and got a naked burrito bowl with just a little brown rice, black & pinto beans, fajita veggies, corn salsa, pico de gallo, lettuce, and guacamole. I wanted chips and a drink and they gave me a combo with a tiny container of queso. I thought about throwing it out, but I decided it wouldn’t derail my day, so i ate it, and it was delicious – as was my veggie burrito bowl.

Stopped at the natural foods store that I never get to – I could (and have) spend hundreds of dollars in there on hardly anything, but I managed to get a few things and spend under $30. Got some nutritional yeast (so cheap there), gluten-free flour mix, xanthan gum, a bottle of Kombucha (never tried it, I’m excited), tofu, and cacoa nibs.

Came home after work and wanted to try out the flour mix, so I made pancakes for dinner with that flour, almond flour, oats, chia, and flax, and ate them with coconut butter, coconut flakes, and maple syrup. Much better, and cake-ier!

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So, I had a good day. I also got more exercise than usual – tried to park the car far away from where i was going, etc. I have off for Good Friday tomorrow, so I’m hoping to get to the gym, even if it’s just to walk on the treadmill.

 

Awful Day, awful eats, and feeling awful.

Ate too much, feeling crappy. Went to wawa for dinner. should not have done that. Been in pain, feeling anxious, and the Vicodin probably didn’t help my wanting to eat crap. Just miserable and want to sleep. I re-arranged my bedroom. I feel like doing more cleaning and re-arranging but I keep getting exhausted and dizzy and hurting and I hate it. I just want to feel like me again.

Backwards night

This afternoon I ate some yogurt and wasn’t hungry enough for the hummus/carrots/cucumber chips that I packed. I’d been in some pain all day, but it kept getting worse. So a little before 4, I took some Vicodin, hoping that if it made me woozy, it wouldn’t be until just before I left (and i was right). I got home around 5… and went to bed. And woke up a couple times, but didn’t actually get up until about 2. So… I just had some dinner/breakfast. And now I’m debating staying up vs going back to sleep. *sigh* at this point, I can’t ever get enough sleep, and it’s rarely quality sleep, so I may as well take what I can get.

My dinner/breakfast was gf/vegan coconut pancakes – more successful this time. More chia/flax for binding, less baking powder and almond milk. Eaten with coconut butter, sprinkle of coconut, and a little maple syrup.

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I’m still in some pain, so I think I may take something, grab an ice pack, curl up in bed, and hope for a nap. If I don’t fall asleep (and if it’s not raining or snowing) maybe I’ll take a walk or something this morning… later this morning? What a weird day.

Lunch (and still no snow day)

It has stopped snowing for the moment, but promises to get more slushy and disgusting later. I’d really rather be home. Also, lots of pain makes it hard to work. I took a bit of a walk around my building but I really wasn’t feeling well, and that sucked. And I hate feeling how out of shape I am. I used to run up the 3 flights of stairs to the top, and back down and around (it’s a very fun and winding old building) View from my building:

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Snack this morning was strawberry kiwi fruit leather (i love my dehydrator!), lunch was leftover GF vegan mac & cheese and a salad with black beans, avocado, and chipotle ranch dressing. Chocolate coconut date balls for a snack. I packed a lot of food today in case I got hungry – as long as I’m eating clean, I don’t want to let myself be hungry/tempted to eat something I shouldn’t . I feel like I’m doing really well, and this diet switch has been much easier on me than I thought it would be. I haven’t weighed myself (I probably should, just for progress’ sake – or maybe just wait til the doctor next week and see if there’s a change?) but I do feel like I have lost some weight, and I’ve certainly gained some energy and am feeling better, even with the pain that never ends.

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I love cooking and making food from scratch, I love eating clean, healthy food, and most importantly, i love WANTING to eat that way. I love health foods and recipes and trying new food – if only I weren’t so broke, I have an entire amazon wish list of gluten free ingredients and new health foods to try! But, even being broke, I’m doing really well and I’m really happy – I can stick with this. It will always be harder with the boyfriend or eating out, but I think I’ll have a lot of support from him now because I’m doing this for my health.

Also, I finished The China Study – if you haven’t read it, please do! It’s such an important book, and I think everyone should be privy to every last bit of information in it.

Snowy Day (but so far not a snow day)

Really hoping that any minute now I’ll get an email or text telling me not to come in… it’s really coming down out there and only getting worse. But I am all ready for work and had a really good smoothie this morning! In the mix:

  • Almond milk
  • spinach
  • kale (not too much today!)
  • bananas
  • raw ginger
  • peanut butter
  • cinnamon

Creamy and sweet and just a little spicy.

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Packed a big lunch of healthy foods, you know, in case we get snowed in!

Not feeling sick today (fingers crossed!) but in a good amount of pain. Both pre-surgery endo pain and incision pain… my belly button incision is black and blue, and I don’t know why, but that hurts and so do a couple other incision sites. Not good a month out, so I think I’ll call the doctor.